Ticking Time Bomb

I know I’m a ticking time bomb. I’m not proud of this, and to be honest, I’m quite ashamed. The thought of confronting a coworker or friend or even my husband about an issue that’s bothering me is nauseating. I would rather bury my feelings than confront the problem. There lies my issues because I can only bury so much until I explode.  The smallest thing will send me over the edge. I end up yelling words I don’t mean eventually hurting the ones who matter most.

I am a master at avoiding confrontational situations until shit hits the fan. For example, I can’t focus on anything when my house is a wreck. In college, I couldn’t study if my room wasn’t clean. I would spend an hour or more of my study time cleaning. I remember being so irate at my roommate because she never vacuumed or cleaned the place. I expected her to understand where I was coming from.  Looking back, I never CONFRONTED her. How could she have known I was upset?

I wish I would have figured it out sooner. People are not mind readers, and despite my best efforts, my subtle hints aren’t enough.  As hard as it is to admit, I MUST discuss my concerns/issues before I create a catastrophe.  Last week, I came home to a not so clean house and immediately blew up at whoever was around…which happened to be my husband, and I’m almost certain I used the word divorce. TICKING TIME BOMB  I know what you’re thinking… “She’s fucking psycho.”  “How could anyone live with her?”

I’m a work in progress. It’s been 4 months since I started this journey to a better me, and while I’m not perfect, I am constantly looking for ways to improve myself.

Lexapro  has changed my life. It has been my life jacket keeping me afloat (props to my friend’s analogy) in my journey to happiness.  It’s not the answer to all my problems; however, it has helped me deal with them with a clearer and more rational way of thinking.  I also started journaling. After reading Glennon Doyle Melton’s, Love Warrior, I have learned that happiness starts from within. So here’s to me focusing more on myself.  #thingsnoonetellsyou

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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